By Giovanni Ramirez
The Golddigger is the annual satire issue of The Oredigger. All stories on this page were intentionally written with satire in mind and are not to be taken seriously. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org for any comments or questions.
For today’s very special television review I’ll be right to the point. I present to you the greatest testament to cinematic history. A piece of media that has surpassed that of both the large and small screens. In an age of ever challenging stories and viewer judgement we have found the pinnacle of them all, Riverdale. I know what you might say in response to that amazing opener, something along the lines of, “Why of course Riverdale is the greatest show ever made, every time I see its thumbnail on Netflix it brings me to tears, why is there an article dedicated to telling me something I already know?” Well dear reader, it never hurts to hear about some praise, so please, let me continue.
In case you have been living under a rock for the past five years, I’ll provide a quick rundown of the concept. The show is loosely based on the classic Archie comics that if you haven’t seen, are about some classic Saturday morning shenanigans. In the town of (you guessed it) Riverdale lives Archie Andrews, the most intensely redhead and adult bodied high school sophomore you will ever see. With his gang of friends including such classic characters as Betty, Veronica, and Jughead, they’ll go through the highs and lows of high school and growing up. Sound interesting? I didn’t think so and neither did the writers. This show isn’t just high school, that’s just the medium for which to access viewers. The real point of the show is the ever-changing story. One season there may be a missing kid, fairly based in the world of reality. Maybe the next season you’ll get a little deeper in the show and find out about a drug ring that has infiltrated a few schools and only one kid with a weird beanie can stop it or a serial killer out to remove the sinners of the world with a ski mask and determination. Continue further down the rabbit hole and you just may discover that we have gone to World War one style trench warfare in Uzbekistan, a nation that didn’t exist when world war one happened. This show knows how to keep a person on their toes.
Billy Mays once said, “But wait, there’s more.” This show doesn’t just have an amazing plot that reaches for the stars in every moment of every episode. It also stars an amazing cast that delivers every line as if they’ve been theater trained with the greatest Oscar winners and play writes the world has ever scene. Every time I see KJ Apa deliver the line, “That means you haven’t known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football,” in response to another character saying they dropped out of school to support him and his grandmother, well It gives me chills. It is such a beautiful delivery. Additionally, there’s Skeet Ulrich, that should be enough said.
If you were ever on the fence about this show, or ever thought, “Nah, I’d rather watch Euphoria or maybe some of The Office,” I hope this has shown you the error of your ways. If anything deserves your time and attention right now it is the fantastic CW creation of Riverdale.