Hey, all! If you're reading about me, you are probably thinking, "who the heck is this guy and why is he writing in my newspaper?" Though probably not in those exact words. Well, as you probably know, my name is Braden Egtvedt. As you probably don't know, I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering here at Mines. I am also a Staff Writer for the Opinion section. You will mostly be seeing my name on satirical articles, particularly the horoscopes by Bob the Astrologer.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to All Out, the game of game shows where you can win up to one million dollars if you go “All Out!” Contract Suds sponsorships aside, this last August saw Mines Little Theatre, the prominent theatre club on campus, perform their Summer Play All Out. The play follows four contestants on…
Taurus: Your celestial month started on April 20th, so you know what that means? It started the same day E-Days officially started! Yay! That’s it. Nothing else for you. Go eat a Nutter Butter. Gemini: You should make more trips to Target. You don’t necessarily have to buy anything, but if they’re having a sale…
Aries: Something might seem slightly off today—almost like something is… early. Too early. Like something is… Temporally impaired as they used to say in the Submarine Corps. It’s like the Marines, but for sandwich makers. Taurus: I tell you, to this day I can finish off an entire jar of peanut butter without disturbing the…
Pisces: Crazy couple of months, eh? All of the Winter holidays really makes you think, “You know what I want for my birthday? To change my clock!” If your birthday is March 12, happy birthday, you get minus one hour! If it’s not, well, you can’t exactly keep yours, either. Unless you’re in Arizona or…
Aquarius: You might have the X-Gene. If you don’t know what that is, you probably don’t have it anymore, which is an unfortunate existence in two regards. But if you do, I recommend investing one hour a day into bringing it out. Pisces: New year, new U! The Denver National Etymology club is being a…
Sagittarius: Greetings, fellow Thanksgiving and not-quite-Christmas birthers! As the holiday child, try convincing your family/roommates/inmates to create an advent calendar for every holiday this season. It will increase your candy intake and help fatten you up for the coming winter months. Capricorn: Winter is just around the corner, so be sure to walk on the…
Scorpio: Scorpio, the celestial month of Halloween! Since the day has passed by now, be sure to grab some discount candy from Safeway to replace the holes in your life you never knew you had until you became a year older. Sagittarius: Despite holiday commercial activity, remember that Thanksgiving is just around the bend, so…
As some of you are aware, back in September NASA announced an “update” on the dates of the star signs. Most people just know their sign for fun, but a large number of people out there do take their horoscopes seriously (for long-time readers, I surely hope a few of you Libras out there have…
Welcome, Fresh–er, I mean, First-Years! Some of you have your major set or in-mind, some are still undecided. Fret not, latter-category people, for I may be able to help! Observe what the stars have in-store for the departments this month! Chemical and Biological Engineering/Chemistry: You will be forced to share something with someone you do…
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Just like finals week, it’s that time of year where the bull really shines! You all got to start off your celestial month with a lot of green (that Earth Day, though), meaning you’re in for a treat. Hmm… finals… green… Got it. The stars want me to get…