Headlines from around the NEW world: 3/31/14

Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a law formalizing the annexation of Europe. While no one else is recognizing the annexation, Putin said while Bond-villainously stroking a white cat “muahahaha let them protest, first Europe, next the world”. The United Nations has announced a plans to pass a resolution to send a rather strongly worded letter at some point assuming Russia doesn’t veto the resolution or failing to pass the resolution, will make Russia sit with the lame countries at the UN cafeteria.

In a joint effort by the Department of Homeland Security and the National Security Agency, citizens of the United States are now having their pornographic preference monitored and will be required to have this information on their ID cards. The claim is being made by the Director of the NSA that this is purely a security issue and is “totally not being done because its funny and who would stop us, I mean really”. Privacy activists are imploring citizens to raise awareness of this massive invasion of privacy, and also that using the ‘Faxes Received’ folder isn’t fooling anyone.

Legendary film director and producer Tommy Wiseau, director and producer of “The Room,” has announced plans to film a movie adaption of the hit game Candy Crush Saga. The film will center around the life of a candy farmer played by Wiseau who will journey throughout a strange and fantastical land to find his missing wife Lisa as well as the meaning of life. While the filming is facing overwhelmingly negative attention, famed reviewer Ramiro Rodriguez had to say “I’ve never been more excited for any movie ever. The only thing that could make this better is a cameo by the Sharknado.”

In an effort to reduce welfare fraud, the state of Louisiana has launched a $150M initiative to create a system that evaluates how much people like a particular food so that EBT cards can only be used on food that people don’t actually enjoy. The process will involve nationwide surveying of every food product available for purchase and creating a score for each one. Those on welfare will only be allowed to purchase food rated as Mediocre or worse.

According to a new law passed in Texas, women will now be subjected to an hour long slideshow of children playing with small animals before receiving medical advice as pertaining to the termination of a pregnancy. Lawmakers say that this is absolutely not religiously motivated and they “just want to make sure women don’t do things they regret; aww, look at them playing with the kitty, aww, aww, look at it”. While the move has drawn ire and protests around the country, lawmakers are for the most part seeing the bill as something to be produced in their own states.

In food news, fast food chain McDonald’s has announced their latest menu item, the McBurger. The McBurger is a triple patty burger that has cheeseburgers instead of buns. The move is seen as an attempt to legitimize a popular ‘secret menu’ item as well as prevent the embarrassment of employees as drunk and or high customers attempt to order the menu item whose name cannot be put into print or said in polite society. The menu item is being announced in states in reverse order of average number of heart attack related fatalities using a commercial parodying the MTV reality show ‘Pimp My Ride’.

Copyright © 2020 The Oredigger Newspaper. All Rights Reserved.