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Campus Issues Opinion Satire

Mines Dining Is Communist?

Mines Dining is communist… Ok, so obviously it’s not really communist but it does seem to me some of its failures have similar roots to the failures of the much maligned political philosophy. But before I delve into my theory let me back up a bit. In this article, I aim to thoughtfully analyze the […]

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Opinion Satire

Satire: The new fro-yo machine’s spookier than you thought

Brown Building is as close to a playground as Mines students will get, with the 3D printer-stocked MakerSpace and plenty of coffee to fuel creativity. Now, the playground is complete with a very expensive sugary dessert served through a machine. The long awaited Frozen Yogurt machine in Brown is up and running, providing students with […]

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Entertainment Lifestyle Satire Uncategorized

Satire: Pokémon Go wants to kill you

It was a clear but dark night when a freshman Pokémon Go enthusiast, who asked he be known as Jimbothy Morgan, was nearly killed because of the game he used to love. In an interview Morgan told me he was staring at his bright phone screen hunting animated Japanese animals with friends when he got […]

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Opinion Satire Uncategorized

February Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Pisces: Before you ask, no, 2018 is not a leap year. It’s what I like to call a “Skip Year.” As in we are skipping your birthday. Again. And I don’t just mean those of you born on the 29th. Like, this month has the Super Bowl, Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, […]

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Opinion Satire

December Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Sagittarius: Well, it’s that time of year again when your birthday gets swept up in all of the holiday excitement. Soon your friends and family will be putting candles on the tree and colored lights on your cake. It’s not as bad if you’re Jewish, though. The worst thing that happens is now you have […]

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Opinion Satire

Ocotober Horrorscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Libra: A long time ago, you were told something very secret by a very special person. If you remember it, now would be a great time to find that person again and discuss this secret in further depth. If you don’t remember, you are terrible. Like, they confided in you and you didn’t find it […]

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Opinion Satire

September Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Virgo: What a way to start your month! The day after a total solar eclipse? Yass please! Well, it would have been cooler if you were able to kick off your month with it, you know, on opening day, but hey, what’s one day? Anyway, expect to be shown up by Leos for the next […]

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Opinion Satire

April Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Taurus: Your celestial month started on April 20th, so you know what that means? It started the same day E-Days officially started! Yay! That’s it. Nothing else for you. Go eat a Nutter Butter. Gemini: You should make more trips to Target. You don’t necessarily have to buy anything, but if they’re having a sale […]

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Opinion Satire

March Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Aries: Something might seem slightly off today—almost like something is… early. Too early. Like something is… Temporally impaired as they used to say in the Submarine Corps. It’s like the Marines, but for sandwich makers. Taurus:  I tell you, to this day I can finish off an entire jar of peanut butter without disturbing the […]

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Opinion Satire

February Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Pisces: Crazy couple of months, eh? All of the Winter holidays really makes you think, “You know what I want for my birthday? To change my clock!” If your birthday is March 12, happy birthday, you get minus one hour! If it’s not, well, you can’t exactly keep yours, either. Unless you’re in Arizona or […]