Mines Rebranded: Football is King

By McKenna Larson

The Golddigger is the annual satire issue of The Oredigger. All stories on this page were intentionally written with satire in mind and are not to be taken seriously. Contact us at orediggerstories@gmail.com for any comments or questions.

School officials have made the drastic, but unsurprising, announcement to declare engineering dead. The school is shifting focus to creating the next generation of professional athletes in every sport offered on campus. We are hereby, now and forever a sports school. 

The biggest aspect of this change is due to administration’s stance that engineering is faltering at every level and in every discipline. Students who graduate with such degrees, instead of pursuing safer avenues like professional sports, would likely end up in low paying positions with no hope of advancement. This is a harsh reality to swallow, but the statistics don’t lie—STEM is a dead end, but football is forever.  

This decision was a long time coming, as CSM already has a stellar record in all sports played on campus. The high altitude has made generations of super athletes at this campus that have had the disservice of being funneled into STEM careers after graduation. Administration is stating that this change will put an end to the academic tyranny that has haunted star athletes on campus since Mines sports began. 

The temperate, predictable weather of the region also makes for delightful outdoor practice sessions in every season. If the weather ever was an issue, which is not likely, CSM hosts a world-class, award-winning gym right at the heart of campus. This spacious temple to exercise puts us leaps and bounds above the other sports-inclined schools and would surely result in even better seasons (if that is humanly possible to achieve with our current records!). The weather and equipment availability have put CSM at an advantage for decades but the focus on academics has taken away from team building, running laps, and memorizing plays.

Attendance at these games is higher than any other school in the state, perhaps the entire region. All students and faculty have sports fever. It is rumored that this rebranding of the school could also include classes ending early or being canceled for certain sporting events, but this has not been confirmed by the school. The days of “classes” and “harsh deadlines” ruining the lives of college students are over. 

Sorry nerds, Colorado School of Mines is for the jocks now!