Very Excellent Finals Advice

By McKenna Larson

1. Cram the night before. 

This is a classic for a reason—it works! No matter how much studying you do or don’t do before the last minute, always spend the wee hours of the morning before an exam staring at a computer screen or textbook. 

2. Stop going to classes. 

How can anyone have time to study when you are going to classes? The best way to give yourself more time to prepare for tests is to clear your schedule of all distractions. Classes will only add more study material anyway, so stay away from that at all costs. 

3. Make a sacrifice to the old gods.

Some things are out of the hands of man. Make a sacrifice, whatever is deemed appropriate, to ancient deities that may take pity on you. 

4. Start a caffeine or sugar addiction.

If you’ve made it this far without an addiction to caffeine or sugar, then it is time to bring that to an end. Pick up a Red Bull or a bag of Starbursts and go to town. The free energy from these substances if your ticket to a higher GPA. A healthy lifestyle can wait until you’ve graduated. 

5. Always stay in denial. 

Denial is a student’s best friend especially with test preparedness. Have you studied enough? This is a question you should avoid at all costs when studying. Progress check-ins from yourself or your peers will only cause more stress. So, when in doubt deny, deny, deny. Everything is going fine. 

6. Say yes to every new commitment that is offered to you.

Just like at Thanksgiving Dinner, your plate is never full enough. Studying, internships, interviews, graduation parties, impromptu trips with friends, hosting your sister’s baby shower: say yes to them all without hesitation. Super legitimate studies have found that added stress actually improves information retention and test performance. 

7. Cheat shamelessly.

Honorable victory is for losers. In this cutthroat college environment, it doesn’t take an academic to win but a snake. Be sneaky, be strategic, and remember it’s only a crime if you get caught. 

8. Prepare a bribe or blackmail to use on your professor. 

Even if you have followed the other advice on this list, which should get you to the A grade you deserve, a backup plan is always a good idea. Never underestimate the power of bribery and blackmail. For legal purposes I won’t go into further detail, but you’ll know what to do when the time comes.

9. Never sleep unless you can lucidly dream about studying. 

Sleep is for the weak and for people who have already graduated. The only way sleep can serve you during finals season is if you can lucidly dream about studying. If your brain can recreate your study materials, then sleep as much as possible. 

10. Dissociate from reality.

Reality cannot serve you now it’s time to disappear into fantasy and stay there. 

Good luck, everyone!