Twilight: The Single Greatest Movie of All Time

There is a great unsung epic of the silver screen. It comprises five movies and is based upon a four-book series by the best author of the modern era, maybe of all time. It stars the two best actors and possibly the single best actress who has ever lived. Thousands have thrilled, gasped, sighed, laughed, and wept at its brilliance, and even more have dreamt themselves into the story. It is a tale of love and life which will persist for all eternity.

If the reader does not already know to what this refers, it’s the Twilight Saga, duh.

“Twilight” is the story of a teenage girl named Bella who falls in love with a 102-year-old vampire named Edward who goes to her high school. He’s totally not a pedo, even if he is way older than her, because he looks like he’s seventeen, so he’s basically the same age as her, since obviously an old man dating a teenage girl is only creepy when he looks old and icky, instead of young and smexy and fabulous. Edward even sparkles! Like for serious! Because that’s totally the reason why vampires can’t be in the sunlight. They don’t, like, burn up or anything – they sparkle like diamonds! It’s totally hot.

Anyhow, Bella also falls in love with a super hot teenage werewolf named Jacob, and then she has to choose between him and Edward. Plus there’s some bad vampires who hate Edward because he’s way hotter than they are, so they’re always trying to cockblock. Also, Bella wants to be a vampire, too, because she wants to sparkle like a diamond just like Edward, but he won’t turn her because he might, like, lose control and eat her or something. It’s totally a metaphor for sex, which makes Edward even hotter! Like, he’s so into her that he might just, like, devour her like a rabid dog! Isn’t that sexy? Shut up, it totally is.

“Twilight” was a hit book series before it got made into the best movie series ever made. The movies are actually way better than the books. Here is why:

1. There are only four books, but there are five movies, since the producers wanted to make sure they did justice to the final book, “Breaking Dawn,” so they split it into two. Isn’t that awesome? Two more hours of smexy Edward!

2. Reading about Jacob being shirtless is so not as hot as seeing Jacob shirtless.

3. Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, is basically the best actress to ever live. She has such a huge range of emotions! No one who saw the movies didn’t cry when Edward rejected her and Bella was so miserable that she sat in her room for months and months just staring out the window. Kristen Stewart captured Bella’s desolation perfectly. Plus she and Robert Pattinson, who played Edward, have super awesome chemistry together. They even dated in real life!

4. The vampire sparkles looked so pretty on the big screen! Computer graphics are way better than imagination.

5. Movies are always better than books, duh.

There are five “Twilight” movies, and each one is better than the one before it. “Breaking Dawn Part Two,” the final installment in the series, came out in 2013, ending an era. In this masterpiece of the cinema, Bella is a new vampire, with a cute little vampire baby named Renesmee, which is such a pretty name! The baby is so perfect in the book that they had to computer-generate her face for the movie because they couldn’t find an actress pretty enough. And even though Bella decided to marry Edward in the end, it’s okay – like, Jacob isn’t heartbroken or anything, because it turns out that the only reason why he thought that he loved Bella was because he actually was in love with her and Edward’s baby! So when Renesmee grows up, she’ll marry Jacob, and then he can live happily ever after, too! Isn’t that romantic? It’s like they’re in love even before she’s born!

This story is so beautiful that it made every person in every theater across the nation cry like a little baby. (Not a vampire baby, though, because vampires can’t cry!) It should absolutely have swept the Academy Awards but it wasn’t even nominated for anything. This is such a crime. Instead, some stupid history movie called “Twelve Years A Slave” won everything, which was about some black guy or something, who even cares. Twilight is so much better than any other movie that it’s not even worth comparing. Who cares about what happened to some guy who died, like, two hundred years ago? Edward totally lives forever! Way cooler! Why would someone want to watch a movie about boring real life history when they could watch a love story about a vampire who sparkles like a diamond? Did the slave guy sparkle in the sunlight? I bet he didn’t. Did he change into a wolf? He so did not. Does he live happily ever after as a vampire with a hot vampire lover and an adorable vampire baby? Not even close! Someone please explain why the Academy is so lame when it comes to picking Oscar winners.

Anyhow, “Breaking Dawn” was basically the peak to which all cinema aspires. From the immortal romance between Bella and Edward to the cute romance between Jacob and Renesmee, to the super hot werewolf boys running around shirtless, to the scary action between the bad vampires and the good ones, this story has everything that anyone would ever want to see in a movie. Plus Kristen Stewart is amazing. She’s super funny and cute in real life, too. She was also awesome in Snow White and the Huntsman, which the Oscar committee also ignored! It’s like they don’t understand what an excellent actress she is. Jerks.

The point is, everyone should watch the Twilight Saga! Anyone who has not seen it will regret it forever. It is the greatest movie (okay, movie series, whatever) ever made, and will probably never be bested, until they remake it a hundred years from now in, like, 4D Smellovision or something awesome like that. 10 stars out of 5! Twilight forever!!!!!!

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