Hamster Balls for All

           Have you ever been swarmed by foot traffic when leaving class? Have you ever felt the need to hide in a bubble to avoid germs or strangers? Have you ever wanted to get some sunshine without worrying about melanoma? Well, Mines has the solution: a human-sized hamster ball for every Mines student, available now! These specially designed hamster balls have been dubbed Student Spheres™, and are the premier undergraduate (and graduate) student traveling device ever conceived. They were designed by current Mines students and alumni and are scientifically proven to be more effective than a competing design by a team at MIT.

           These insulating, and flattering, Oredigger Rollerizing Devices (as the engineering team likes to call them) allow students to run around campus without fear of being hit by oncoming traffic, getting sneezed on or missing out on valuable exercise time. Each Sphere can be customized and comes with a “dark mode” setting that creates a darker tint around the student and is perfect for napping on the go. Read a book, do calculus, invent a killer robot, all from the safety and comfort of your Student Sphere.

           Experts have agreed since the 1930’s that human hamster balls are the most effective way of getting around and getting exercise (and looking good while doing it). There have been a number of publications, speeches, books on the subject through the years, but the science has lagged behind, until now. Take a stroll or amp up the Sphere experience by using it on a treadmill. There are no bad ideas in a Student Sphere!

           Orediggers need not worry about having unnecessary human contact now that the school is rolling out this latest innovation to the on-campus experience. To ensure ease of use, and minimize direct interaction between peers, the campus is installing colorful tubing systems to all access points of CSM buildings. Specialized tubing means students can move between classes, get lunch, and go to the gym all without having to step into the fresh air and harsh light that exists outside the Sphere. If however, students prefer the archaic method of walking into buildings on their own two feet without a protective barrier around them, safe bike-rack style Sphere parking will be made available, just be sure you lock your Sphere up before you leave it behind.

           Not only will these innovative devices save time and prevent illness, but they will also save the school money. To cut down on electric costs, the elevators in each building will be removed. But, have no fear, there is no need to take the stairs! Student-built ramps will be installed over the stairways for the more active Mines goers in spheres or on foot, otherwise, students can bounce between floors through the elevator shafts with ease in their rubberized hamster balls. To move up a floor, all you need is your Student Sphere and a little momentum. To move lower in a building, just enjoy a gentle fall to your desired location.

           The school will also be saving money by ending all walkway salting or snow clearing in winter. Without the instability of bipedal mobility to worry about, ice can be left for ball-encased students to glide over with ease. The days of your feet slipping out from under you on an icy sidewalk are over this is a new era of travel.

           It’s easy to see that the Student Sphere is not just a tool to make life easier, it is a lifestyle in itself that will soon be shared by everyone on campus, and hopefully soon, the entire world. It was Confucius who said, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you are in a large translucent ball.” These inspirational words are as true today as they were centuries ago, so go forth and roll!

           Stayed tuned for news about the newest engineering marvel coming soon to campus: human hamster wheels in all graduate student offices!

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