This week was a shocking upset to the astrology community as it was revealed that the astrological signs that have blessed many a birth since the beginning of time have been changed. In order to keep up with trends, this weeks horoscopes will be presented using these new signs.
Monocle (21 March – 19 April) This week, keep your eyes open for any freshmen still playing Humans versus Zombies. It may have ended last Friday, but these poor souls are still out for blood. Guard against this by not wearing anything remotely resembling a bandanna.
Giraffe (20 April – 20 May) You will find this week that you possess the famous Midas touch. Unfortunately, you will discover this during your upcoming quantum structural geochemistry test as all of your work fades to gold in front of your eyes. At least now you are a rich failure.
Hammer (21 May – 20 June) Be careful of falling objects this Wednesday, specifically angry vermin falling from your ceiling. Then again, that is what you get for pranking the President’s Office. Maybe finding out their printer address was not the best use of studio time.
Elvis (21 June-22 July) Welcome back, King of Rock N’ Roll. Do not be alarmed when the mighty god of music possesses your body this week. Sadly for him, somehow you forgot to go to PA for the last semester and are quite out of shape from playing all that League of Legends.
iPhone (23 July – 22 August) After finishing your third LON-CAPA problem this week, you will be presented with a red box and a blue box. Which ever one you click will change your reality forever, just remember who revealed this to you if you ever get out of the Matrix.
Particle Accelerator (23 August – 22 September) Congratulations on now becoming the most epic star sign. If you can find more of your type and start lining up in giant circles, we may just discover some new particles. Just do not go all human centipede on us, that is gross.
Lost Remote (23 September – 22 October) Congratulations on now becoming the most lame star sign. Or not. If you are reading this and know a Lost Remote, try looking for them in the new couches in the Green Center. They are nice and comfy and are the perfect place to get lost.
Hulk Hogan (23 October – 21 November) Your phone will begin to have its own life early this week. Regain control of it by turning on the voice feature and gently swoon it back to the side of good. There is nothing worse than an angry phone with the contacts of your loved ones in it.
Empty Wine Bottle (22 November – 21 December) You were once so full of potential but now it has been used up, probably over a nice romantic dinner or some misguided party. Find a way to refill your passions this week, possibly with a nice flower. Just do not let the cops find you in the dorms.
Fly (22 December – 19 January) Did you know that a fly in your birth room had more of an effect on you at birth than any constellation in the sky? Oh wait, this is astrology, not astronomy. Something will happen to you this week because of magic!
Pisces (20 January – 18 February) Yes, we realize that Pisces used to be the sign after this one, it is just that we noticed in our candidates that those during this time were more Pisces-ish. To get your real horoscope, read this week’s Aquarius posting.
Aquarius (19 February-20 March) Sorry we moved you back Aquarius, but that is just how it works. In order to determine what will happen to you this week, go ahead and read the entry for Pisces and follow it to the letter.