Sagittarius: I won’t make any end-of-year birthday jokes, or jabs about birthdays near the holidays. I, too, am a Sagittarius, so I know how it is. Instead, I’ll give you an intelligent, non-holiday-related horoscope like I do for others around their birthdays. Of course, I don’t make the horoscopes, I just interpret them from the heavens. Let’s see here. Ooh! Your ruling planet Jupiter is in Sagittarius from now through next year. Jupiter is the biggest planet. December is the biggest shopping month of the year—dang it. Oh, well. Maybe next year *slinks into gift-wrapped bed parents got for him because they thought it was “cute.”*
Capricorn: A long way from home, a speck of dust has traveled to tell you a very important message. Unfortunately, you breathed in and sneezed out the entire city of Whoville. Oops.
Aquarius: Couches are comfy. Beds are comfy. You know what else are comfy? Pajamas! If your couch, bed, or pajamas are not comfy, make them comfier. No one needs to spend their life with uncomfortable beds, couches, or pajamas.
Pisces: Until you are ready to learn the meaning of life, prepare yourself. Practice your “enlightened” face. Learn how to faint correctly if you decide you will do that when the time comes. But above all else, when that moment comes, do not, under any circumstances, say, “Really? My dog could have figured that out!” Your dog already has.
Aries: You’ve heard of No Shave November. Now get ready for No Save December.
Taurus: The hills are alive with the sound of music. You know why? Because your neighbor’s niece decided it would be a good time to practice her piano at 7 in the morning, which, while played so lovingly, reverberates throughout the hills and into my dreams. So good luck ever sleeping in in the mornings.
Gemini: Before you were born, an ancient wizard cast a spell on your mother so that when she finally gave birth to you, you would grow to the age you are right now and read your horoscope. Seriously, this man does wonders for business.
Cancer: Have you ever seen a salt shaker without a pepper shaker next to it? It’s a little jarring. Like, usually I don’t even notice that they’re there, but when I do, I expect them to be found with each other. But then I saw a salt shaker, couldn’t find the pepper, and fell into a trance of existential sorrow. Sort of like your love life, so, you know, get to it or something.
Leo: Believe me when I say that you’re going to have a good week. Don’t believe me when I say you’re going to have a good 2 weeks. Be slightly suspicious when I say you’re going to have a good 3 weeks. Think of an option other than calling the police when I suggest you’re probably going to have an overall above average month.
Virgo: Salads are whatever you want them to be.
Libra: When you buy your forever home, make sure it has a room designated as “Playroom.” It doesn’t matter if you have or are planning to have kids, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be filled with toys. Make a Playroom decked out and customized with what you want so that you have a room that you can retreat to when the work stops and the play begins. I think if more adults did this, they would be much happier.
Scorpio: Do you feel a strange hole opening in your mouth? Try putting food in it. I hear this activity makes people happy.