Major Specific Horoscopes

by Zachary Barry

It’s incredible to be returning to campus after the long hiatus caused by the virus-that-shall-not-be-named. Attending physical lectures, studying with friends, and being able to just hang out on campus again has been incredibly enjoyable for most of us. Even better, some clubs are starting to return to meet again, including my local chapter of the National Astrologist Dean’s Association (NADA). Walking out from my last meeting, they had a stack of old books they were giving away. The one that caught my eye discussed how to divine horoscopes based on a person’s guild, a ye-olden way of saying occupation. Despite the sources being a little sparse, the technical vocabulary being out of date, and the methods requiring a whole boatload of assumptions, I figured it would be worth giving it a try to celebrate our return to campus. 

Applied Mathematics and Statistics: I had a great horoscope for you, but I was pretty certain you’d use what you’ve learned at mines to prove that it applies no more to your major than any other major, so what’s the point?  

Biochemistry: Here’s a fun fact that might help you break the ice at your next interview; Biochemistry wasn’t the name of the monster, it was the name of the major that made the monster.

Business Engineering And Management Science: If your professional society doesn’t give out awards for every time you completely shut down a Karen, I’d advise getting a new major. 

Chemical Engineering: The stars, and many alumni, say that nothing you encounter in industry will be as difficult or as painful as your undergrad degree. Whether or not that’s something you’ll enjoy is a question you have to answer yourself.

Chemistry: You may be sick of them already, but, unfortunately, you have a LiFePO4 time of bad chemical compound puns ahead of you. (What? At least this one is based on an actual compound.)

Civil Engineering: The stars wanted me to tell you to stop fixating on that aspect of your future that you’ve been hung up on this month. Focus on the here and now more, and when it comes to what you’ve been stressing about, you’ll build that bridge when you come to it. 

Computer Science: Your attention to detail and ability to find and fix errors in code is impressive. When my 25 line MatLab script wouldn’t work, I was ready to take up living off the grid. That urge I felt might explain why some of you have gained a reputation for being more introverted. 

Economics: I bet you are tired of hearing people suggest that the economics major is a joke compared to the other majors offered by Mines. I’ve been told, If you invest a dollar for every time someone does, one day you’ll be a millionaire, and, as the saying goes, he who laughs last laughs hardest. 

Engineering: Since the junior and senior year of your major is a choose your own adventure, here is a choose your own adventure horoscope; A _______ from now you will find yourself working in a team with __________. Despite your preconceived notions that the project will end in _________, it will turn out differently, and you’ll learn an important lesson about ________.

Electrical Engineering: They are all too polite to mention it to you directly, but the stars wanted me to let you know you have a few relatives who are still wondering when you are going to put back together their old CD player and hairdryer.

Engineering Physics: The stars said there is something different about you. No duh, you made it through Physics I and II and thought, ‘yeah, this is something I want to do for the rest of my life.

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Environmental Engineering: You likely realized environmental engineering was the major for you when on the M-climb you were left wondering what the impacts of spilling a large volume of sugar and rum into Clear Creek would be. 

Geological Engineering: The stars don’t recommend putting off that assignment you’ve been struggling to start. Whatever you can get done now will pay off in the long run, so long as it’s better than “It’s not just a boulder, it’s a rock.”

Geophysical Engineering: The stars say if you study hard and apply yourself, then you’re dreams will come true. Unless that dream is to become an earthbender, apparently, that’s not what geophysics is about. 

Mechanical Engineering: The stars have officially agreed, it’s okay to buy lego sets as a full-grown adult. The only caveat to that is that they, unfortunately, don’t count towards continuing education requirements. 

Metallurgical And Material Engineering: You don’t need a cool horoscope, you already have the coolest electives.  

Petroleum Engineering: The stars predict that you will experience unimaginable success in the coming years. You will find wealth beyond your wildest dreams. When you inevitably reach a point in your career when you physically can’t spend money faster than you make it, don’t forget the astrologer who foresaw it.

Quantitative Bioscience And Engineering: The newest major at Mines undoubtedly has its appeal, just don’t let this be the start of your hipster phase. Not even a Mine’s education can pay for that many convoluted coffee drinks and typewriter ink ribbons.