The particle known to be the key to all of the physical world has been proven to not exist. This radical discovery was made last week by CERN’s head physicist, Leipzurg Guer. “The monumental discovery changes everything we thought we knew about the world, challenging the very depths of human understanding,” he said in the press conference.
The so-called “god particle,” so named because it gives life and holds all things together, is absolutely critical to life as we now it. The idea that it may not actually exist gives many of the lesser-brained of humanity cause to worry. The implications of its non-existence, as Guer puts it, are manifold and profound. “We don’t know what will happen if I prove this. I personally will probably go fly in a red hot-air balloon, except that if the particle doesn’t exist the balloon won’t actually fly.”
The technical name for this particle is the Big’s-Hoson, named after the man who first postulated it’s existence, Mr. Big. The particle, if it exists,would make modern particle physics actually possible, but without it our fundamental understanding of physics would have to change. “Things like gravity, for instance, would just decide to not work if the Big doesn’t actually existence. This is huge, people would just start flying around,” said Guer.
To get a better feel for how the majority populace would respond to this news, a local newspaper sent out their top investigative reporter to touch some nerves and tap some feelings. One student at the Colorado School of Mines commented, “Dude, I would be so stoked if the Big’s-Hoson didn’t actually exist. That means I could create my own reality, I wouldn’t be bound to this stupid world. Freedom, man.” However, his comments were somewhat in the minority at Mines, simply because most of the students used their rational minds when asked the question.
Another student offered her educated opinion. “In my studies of ancient Mesopotamian religious cults and their connection to the bio-remediation of mechanically produced crystalline methamphetamines in farmland, I’ve found that the existence of the Big’s-Hoson would actually have a negative effect on the ability of the native Chinese Giant Salamander to reproduce.” A third student added, “Honestly, I don’t see anything really changing. So what if the Big’s-Hoson doesn’t exist? I mean, if the ‘god-particle’ really was god, wouldn’t we know it?” Sadly, that student was shortly thereafter struck with an acute case cerebral palsy and was no longer able to walk or speak.
Guer was careful to add that he wasn’t sure of anything yet. “While we are all scared that the ‘Big’ doesn’t exist, I am very confident that in about one year I can stand before you and show you clear evidence that the particle that holds all things together is alive and well, living and active. I do not see any reason to doubt it’s existence, and time will show it to be true, I am sure.”
If only the rest of the scientific world could approach this quandary with such a child-like faith.
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