Police ensure pedestrian safety at the cost of others

Recently, the campus police have been ticketing long boarders and cyclists who refuse to dismount on the new plaza in front of the Student Recreation Center. But reports have shown that riders are not deterred by receiving a ticket.

One skateboarder, Marty McFly, says “Why should I stop for [the police]? It is not like they are going to catch me! Especially on foot!” Rather than fearing a ticket, most riders have shown less respect for the law by ignoring the police outright.

In response, police have designed a tactic which is more physical and will deter all those who dare to ride in the plaza. The tactic has been in place since the beginning of the month and it has been very effective.

12 skateboarders and 5 cyclists have been sent to the hospital for refusing to stop. Police have been seen clothes-lining, tackling, and tripping these riders. At times, the new plaza can be seen littered with shattered boards and bent tire frames.

Currently the police are trying to allow field officers to use riot shields and make the plaza a training ground for the police involved in the occupy movements downtown.

If this proposal is denied, then surely the “Shredding 101 for the 5-oh” (loosely translated to “Police Skateboarding Academy”) will be instated. Soon skateboarding chase scenes like the one from the 1986 classic “Trashin'” will be as common as a failed test.

When asked about the recent injuries and if the tactics were working, police said, “Dismount now! But yes, the police force is in full belief that those who do not dismount should learn a lesson and all the police is trying to do is decrease the amount of pedestrian-rider accident.”

Since the police have enforced the new tactics, pedestrian-rider accidents have decreased a full 100% from 1 to 0.

The police has been in full support, with applause, and with the program’s recent success, there is no reason for them to change their tactics.