Grinds my gear: Movie theaters and British

You know what really grinds my gears?

Movie Theaters.

I am not going to complain about all the cliché issues of high candy prices or the rising cost of tickets. Though those are both valid complaints, I will venture into the deeper problems. First of all, movie theaters attract a clientele of middle school and junior high children. These juveniles are often in their “alpha male” stage that requires them to be as annoying and as cocky to general society as possible in an attempt to seduce their date. Thus, what some people thought would be a relaxing movie with their significant other, is now a witnessing of a 90 pound Bieber lookalike beating his chest.

Movie theaters are also a Petri dish for disease. Seriously, have you ever been in a movie theater that was not sticky on every surface? This stickiness can only indicate the presence of one thing, H1N1. That’s right, an independent study by a very well established scientific organization estimated that over 95% of swine flu was obtained by people visiting movie theaters.

I’m at a loss for why movie theaters are still around. With services like Netflix, Hulu, and Apple TV, you’d think that people would want to stay inside the safe, disease-free confines of their home rather than venturing out. I realize that movie theaters release the movies earlier but you’d think that if we sent people to the moon in 1969, motion picture companies would be advanced enough to put new releases right into our homes. However, movie theaters, like greeting cards, have become ingrained in American society. As the new greatest generation, it is up to us and us alone to change these tendencies. We need to put an end to these teen-ridden and disease carrying centers.

You know what also grinds my gears?

The British.

Water was meant to be ice cold, “football” was meant to be called soccer, and cars were made to drive on the right side of the street. I fail to realize why they haven’t grasped this yet. You’d think that after the Revolutionary War, WWI, and WWII, they’d succumb to the idea that we just do things better over here. Evidently, they are too busy consuming tea and crumpets to become as productive as we working Americans are. The only things we’re missing out on are Sherlock Holmes and James Bond; but in hand to hand combat, a team of Rocky Balboa and Jason Bourne would win anyway. Come on Europe, get with the program and start doing as we do and maybe, you’ll find that you enjoy stereotypical American pastimes like football, air conditioning, and gangsta rap.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what grinds my gears.