January Horoscopes Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Aquarius: You might have the X-Gene. If you don’t know what that is, you probably don’t have it anymore, which is an unfortunate existence in two regards. But if you do, I recommend investing one hour a day into bringing it out.

Pisces: New year, new U! The Denver National Etymology club is being a pain and decided we needed to leave something for future etymologists. They’re getting bored.

Aries: New Year’s Resolution lists used to be good fire starters, but that was before the age of digital technology and enclosed gas fires.

Taurus: In recognition of your sign, it’s time you grab this new year by the horn, learn to play it, then prepare to only play tunes that announce the deeds of your monarch because you will forever be a subject of nepotic leadership.

Gemini: As February draws near, be sure to not overindulge yourself. Not because I expect you to get too many Valentine’s chocolates, but because you seem particularly fond of fuzzy mittens.

Cancer: You will meet someone you haven’t seen in a long time. Neither of you will recognize the other, but the small talk will be nice. You will then leave.

Leo: You will likely get winked at by an automobile. You will also find yourself saying “automobile” more often and you won’t know why. You’ll never know why.

Virgo: Soon you will meet a Nobel laureate, then will be drawn inexplicably to knock-knock jokes.

Libra: Striped sweaters are making a comeback, so be sure to start a textile mill simulator in your backyard to as to “keep up with the times.”

Scorpio: Start chewing more mints. Not gum, more like Tic-Tacs. This has nothing to do with your breath, but your mouth looks like it should be doing something. For motivation, put the Jaws theme on repeat.

Sagittarius: I would recommend replacing your plumbing with leeks. Also, if you have a big red spot on you, I’d recommend getting that looked at by an Ichthyologist. 

Capricorn: The average person has fewer than 2 legs. Think about that the next time you get up for seconds at dinner. Not the legs. The number.