April Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Taurus: Your celestial month started on April 20th, so you know what that means? It started the same day E-Days officially started! Yay! That’s it. Nothing else for you. Go eat a Nutter Butter.

Gemini: You should make more trips to Target. You don’t necessarily have to buy anything, but if they’re having a sale on pencil sharpeners, I’d recommend taking advantage.

Cancer: Do you want to hear something rebarbative? 19th & US-6. I’ve got nothing against it, I’m just pretty sure they’re using reinforced concrete. In other news, I hear the sounds of distance ghosts.

Leo: I beseech unto thee to witness the forthcoming of the Chasm’s awakening. I don’t know what that means, but it sounded prophetic.

Virgo: You know, whenever I get to you, I always think, “Vertigo.” In other news, your stars have stopped moving relative to the Earth due to a hunger strike, but you probably won’t notice.

Libra: If you ever feel lost, follow these easy steps: 1) Panic, as it is the natural things to do, 2) look around nervously for anything vaguely familiar, 3) imagine worse-case scenarios where you have to live in your new setting, making friends with the foliage, forming a union with the local mice, and learning to live off of nothing but canned squash and the boxed lunches served to interior decorators, 4) remember that your room number is actually 201, not 210, apologize to Nancy, and proceed to your room.

Scorpio: “The Night Was So Young. Skeletons on the Sill. A Time for Love. My Little Pill.” This has been “Silly songs with Larry.” Tune in next time to hear Larry say, “cats fit on the window sill.”

Sagittarius: This month, you get an astrological parable by Rick Lym: There once was a boy named Wicket/ who found himself with a cricket./ He wouldn’t settle down/ but what his mother had found/ was that he intended to lick it.

Capricorn: Because Scorpios and Sagittarians are good at not minding slight differences, you are tasked with asking why Libra got a longer horoscope. To this I tell you that Pisces, who also do not concern themselves with the extra fortune granted to others, are generous people.

Aquarius: Do ever wonder if China was named when Eastern Asian traders rejected tea trades? Like, some merchant came over and said, “Chi?” and the natives responded, “Nah,” then the emperor was like, “Dude, I’ve got an idea.” You should try to have ideas like that.

Pisces: IOU – See Capricorn for details.

Aries: Do you have a friend named Clyde? If not, try to get one. Clydes are usually pretty cool. Then, whenever you ask him a favor, phrase it as, “Would you be so in-Clyde as to…”