Shock swept across the corner of Illinois and 16th Streets last week as the physics department made an announcement that shook the tight-knit community to its core and led to concerns about the natural order of the planet. Windows in Meyer Hall are to be redistributed, declared staff.
“Too long have students toiled in the basement with no light and no hope while professors hogged all the sunshine and the fresh air,” declared Dr. Furtive. “We want to be a department that is welcoming and encouraging to the undergrads, even at three in the morning. Not to mention, [the computer lab] is absolutely rancid.”
Windows were expected to be moved via quantum mechanics until they were distributed in as statistically valid way amongst all rooms. Even rooms underground will be included; their windows will be added via periscope-like devices which funnel sunlight into areas such as the machine shop.
Speculation abounded that the unexpected proposal was driven by the reactions of accreditors during their recent visit. One spoke to “The Oredigger” under the condition of anonymity: “It was pleasant enough on the third floor, but once, I got confused by all the stairs and went down instead of up when I came in. I saw…” The usually hardened engineer took a moment to collect himself. “I saw, well actually I more felt, this sense of impending doom and darkness. It was terrifying.”
Professors were outraged at the plan. “What do you mean, I’m only going to get 0.465 of a window?”one asked, expressing the general faculty concern. “Is that the same for everyone? Can I see a plot of window distribution, with error bars and a standard deviation?”
One broke ranks to say, “Seriously, my office is super-close to the lecture hall and I have to put a clothespin on my nose. If window re-distribution can get even a little fresh air into those kids’ clothes, I’m all for it.”
Though excited by the chance at seeing the sky, the plan’s greatest beneficiaries were still dubious. Some cited the building’s mystical pull and argued that the windows were a lazy quick fix for the building’s major possessiveness problem. One student described the building’s pull: “I found an 8-track of ‘Hotel California’ in Meyer once. I thought it just meant we needed to clean up, but really it was a sign!”
Others informed “The Oredigger” that they were excited, but needed a diagram explaining how the windows would move. Some requested extra office hours and a large white board to discuss the problem.
Elsewhere on campus, reactions were mostly disinterested. One math major specifically commented the problem was nothing to Chauvenet’s ongoing spooks.
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