Mythical creature terrorizes mines

A dragon has taken up residence on the Colorado School of Mines campus.

The 20-foot beast began appearing in mid-March, but no credible sightings have been reported until recently. Last week, the dragon circled campus for an hour before landing on Kafadar. “At first, I couldn’t believe it,” said Katy Schneider, one of the hundreds that witnessed the event. “I didn’t think dragons actually existed.” Several witnesses called Public Safety, who had no idea what to do with the beast.

“This is unheard of,” said Deputy Jack Haley. “We’re prepared to deal with a lot of situations, but this was a first.” The officers eventually used Blaster to lure the dragon away. The burro was not harmed in the process, but the officers hope that they can come to a better solution in case this situation occurs again. They are asking students for suggestions on how to deal with the beast.

“I’d kill him,” said Elizabeth Frank, a self-proclaimed professional dragon slayer. She had several encounters with the beast, most notably in Steinhauer Field House. The dragon took up residence in the building, preventing Frank from getting her exercise. “He attacked me anytime I stepped onto the track,” she said. When asked how she would kill the dragon, Frank said, “Big boom… really, really big boom.”

Other students suggested that Public Safety leave the dragon alone. “We shouldn’t kill the dragon,” said Will Magrogan. “I like him. He isn’t hurting us, so why should we hurt him?” A coalition of students calling themselves Students for Dragon Protection (SDP) assembled on Kafadar yesterday to explain how the dragon was actually good for Golden. “He’d be a great attraction, sort of like the Loch Ness Monster,” said Julia Schmidt, public relations chair of SDP.

However, recent events may change the opinions of SDP. Magrogan, the coalition’s self-appointed president, recently went missing. He was last seen at 11:00 pm Monday night along Maple Street, presumably headed towards the dragon’s lair in Steinhauer Field House. Public Safety believes that the dragon ate Magrogan.

“In some ways, it’s not surprising,” said his distraught girlfriend when she heard the news. “When I first heard about the dragon on campus, I figured Will would be the first to go check it out. I just never thought… that this would happen. He didn’t deserve this! “

Public Safety has closed off the area around Steinhauer Field House, Volk Gymnasium, and Coolbaugh Hall, declaring the area too dangerous to enter. PA classes have been cancelled and chemistry classes have been moved to Berthoud until further notice. Students have been urged to avoid the dragon at all costs.