Golden to become Hydrogen bomb test site

Thermonuclear devices, which are always a subject of considerable discussion in certain segments of the Colorado School of Mines, are becoming a fixture in the thoughts of greater student body. Dr. Germhart Frizdich, an applied physicist here at Mines, has said that work will begin on a device that can be used to contain the explosion from the detonation of a thermonuclear device.

Obviously, the ramifications of the new device are far-reaching at best and grossly misunderstood at worst. Frizdich has said that he plans to incorporate the physics he learned from playing Portal 2 in the design of his new machine, “The circuitry used in the portal gun astounds me; it’s so complex, yet so intuitive. I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of that concept before.”

Frizdich will be consulting with students here at Mines in his design process, drawing on the vast knowledge of the physics majors. Explaining his reasoning for seeking assistance from students, Frizdich said, “I think students here at Mines will have an even better grasp on the concepts than the professors. Because they spend so much time playing video games, they’re not bound by the real world. They can let their minds flow free, unbridled by rational thought or conventional wisdom… It’s so beautiful to watch.”

To contain a nuclear explosion, Frizdich must contend with the compelling force of a thousand suns being released in a fraction of a second. The average hydrogen bomb releases well over the same energy as 10,000,000 tons of TNT, which is enough to destroy a very large city. The destructive force must be contained by some other massive energy source, perhaps something as powerful as a black hole. The difficulty Frizdich faces is in placement of the black hole so that the device can be triggered and the energy dissipated into a black hole without losing all of Golden in the process.

“This is where the portal gun comes in. We can set up a system where the portal gun creates a portal between us and a point out in an open area where a black hole has been opened, (the black hole can be triggered using a device similar to the one seen in use in Call of Duty Black Ops, when battling Nazi Zombies) and the thermonuclear device can be detonated safely. All of its energy will be sucked through the portal, and dissipated into the black hole,” Frizdich said.

The process appears to be sound, and Frizdich is moving to the next step of the process, which is to present his experimental hypothesis to a higher governing body and ask for approval to run tests. Frizdich says that he will report back with his results after he has been given permission to move forward.

Copyright © 2020 The Oredigger Newspaper. All Rights Reserved.