Staff psychic gives horoscopes

With the upcoming elections, this week the signs will not be presented in date order but instead will be vying for your vote, as your friendly neighborhood psychic, I have ordered them from what I consider to be best to worst.

Libra – For the upcoming week, all those who consider themselves to be Libras can expect every stoplight they are presented with to be green and all dirty laundry to suddenly shed all dirt. While there are no repercussions to the green lights, you may want to watch out for the mess created by your clothes constantly shedding dirt, stains, and annoying logos.

Aries – You want a seat at the front of the class? It’s yours! What if you prefer to hide in the back messing around with your My Little Pony/Pokemon crossover fan-fiction? Take a seat! If you choose Aries, any place you want in your classes is at your wish. Please note that the powers at will cannot guarantee spots for every Aries.

Capricorn – This week is the week to make your dreams come true, but only if your dreams consist of finding deals on firewood, hard candies, and riding electric lawn-mowers. Where others may find at most 15% discounts on these seasonal items, if you keep your eyes open, you may find deals upwards of 17%!

Leo – You are powerful, in control, wise, and calm, provided you are playing table top role-playing games this week. All rolls involving these traits will be above and possibly beyond average, you may even find a 21 has suddenly appeared on your trusty 20-sided dice. Don’t show your dungeon master though, he may confiscate it.

Aquarius – Your talents will flourish and you will finally be able to understand the delicate intricacies of 18th and 19th century American literature. Nothing more, nothing less, any other noticed gains are probably due to random chance.

Ophiuchus – Are you looking for a new sign to be part of? Join Ophiuchus, the sign to be if you want to be an astrology hipster. Meetings will be help this Thursday to determine a sign mentality, for now though look us up on facebook and google+!

Cancer – Face it, these days nobody wants to be Cancer anymore, besides being the butt of astrology jokes, the medical association is just nasty. This week, at most, Cancer can offer you free refills with every drink and purchase of fries.

Virgo – Don’t trust fortune cookies this week or messages at the bottom of tea cups, all of them have an agenda and at least for now, that agenda is messing up your hair. Not that the agenda needs much help. Try a moisturizing shampoo.

Gemini – This week you will be able to meet up with the secret group at [redacted message]. Do not forget to bring your [redacted], [redacted], and [especially redacted]. When you run into the dire scarecrow be sure to head [redacted] and do not forget to tell your [redacted] that you [redact] her.

Taurus – There is suspicion that the members of the Gemini sign will wage war against you this week. They did it to Pisces last week and you don’t see any sort of a report from that front anymore. Keep your guard up and sleep with an eye or two open.

Sagittarius – Did you just see that happen above, Gemini totally took out Taurus, sucks to be them I guess. Also sucks to be you this week, your friends will invite you out to go bowling, unfortunately the bowling place will be out of shoes in your freakishly bizarre size. You should really get that looked at.

Scorpius – This week you will find yourself at every cross-street that a Libra is passing by, thus, lights will eternally be red. Learn to plan out routes using right-turns only.

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