September Horoscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Virgo: What a way to start your month! The day after a total solar eclipse? Yass please! Well, it would have been cooler if you were able to kick off your month with it, you know, on opening day, but hey, what’s one day? Anyway, expect to be shown up by Leos for the next couple weeks.

Libra: What mischief! The Virgos have disguised their misfortune upon you! I suggest taking advantage of some Pisces for a couple weeks until the Leos’ egos die down.

Scorpio: Have you ever thought about going into marketing? Well now would be the time to market a new shampoo/conditioner: Scorpios’ Scalp Scrubber. I expect you all to work together on this ideas and elicit help from the Geniuses at Gemini ‘Glomerate.

Sagittarius: Give extra pleasantries to your Aquarius sister(s) and/or friend(s) as they may be sharing a gift with you very soon. In the meantime, fall in love with a new musical and annoy the heck out of your Capricorn friends with constant singing, soundtrack-playing, and obscure show references.

Capricorn: Your next couple of weeks will have you singing a different tune. Regardless of the “why,” be sure to take good notes in class and hum a C# every day at noon as you share lunch with your Aries friend. Maybe offer to buy them lunch and spread the joy!

Aquarius: Guess what? Free gum! Anytime in the next couple of weeks you might find random sticks of gum in your pockets and/or backpack! But note, this is information for you and only you. Don’t let your Cancer friends know you know this. Instead, share the wealth with your Sagittarius brother. Or friend, if you find yourself lacking the former.

Pisces: Do you like petting zoos? Well you’re in luck, because the Libras are making you a scapegoat! It’s all a clever ploy to deflect the scapegoating of the Virgos onto you. Are you going to take it? Of course not! Taking is stealing and that’s illegal. Unless it’s in regards to the bubblegum of a particular Cancer friend of yours. Do that as you take Leo blows from Libras defending themselves against Virgos.

Aries: Has your friend offered to buy you lunch recently? If they’re a Capricorn, they probably should, especially if they’re subjecting you to a “noon-time C#” (ask your friend). If they don’t, counteroffer without an initial offer. It’ll blow the minds of your Taurus peers.
Taurus: Has your mind ever been blown? If it hasn’t, it’s about to be. If it has, try the all new Scorpios’ Scalp Scrubber, hot from the hands of your pals across the celestial plane! Shipping and handling not required, batteries not included.

Gemini: Has anyone ever told you you’re a genius? No? I figured not. It didn’t seem likely. But get back at those who doubt you by forming a contracting service: Geniuses at Gemini ‘Glomerate! You’ll be getting new clients soon, and they’ll know you’re the real deal because you used a hyphenated word for the altruistic ambition of alliteration! Alright!
Cancer: Do you have bubblegum? I recommend hiding it for a couple of weeks. Cast suspicious eyes on your Pisces friends. Never turn your back on them. The best place I recommend hiding your gum is the pockets and backpacks of your Aquarius friends. Don’t worry, I won’t tell…

Leo: If you need a favor or just someone to make you look good, try making friends with a Libra. Be better at everything than them. But only for a couple of weeks. One can only take so much subordination, even Libras.


Hey, all! If you're reading about me, you are probably thinking, "who the heck is this guy and why is he writing in my newspaper?" Though probably not in those exact words. Well, as you probably know, my name is Braden Egtvedt. As you probably don't know, I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering here at Mines. I am also a Staff Writer for the Opinion section. You will mostly be seeing my name on satirical articles, particularly the horoscopes by Bob the Astrologer.

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