So, you’re a Mine’s student just doing your business on campus. However, one day, some obnoxious Californian comes to your midst, moaning “My Lord, My Lord, where is my In-N-Out Burger? Why have you forsaken me?” or “Where is my double-double cheeseburger salvation?” or even “Where is my milkshake propitiation for my gluttonous sins?” This may be a crude joke to you when you first heard it, and it may be a really obnoxious joke when a 14-hour line appeared before the first In-N-Out tabernacle location in Colorado, or that Five-Guys might have better burgers than this seemly overvalued fast-food religion but let me share the testimony of my glorious salvation in and out.
When I left from the Golden State to go to Mines, I felt abandoned by my lord; devoid of their animal fries, chocolate milkshakes, and their thousand-island dressing richly smothered beyond any imagination. My mind and my inner being suffered and growled day by day as I was far of reach of my glutinous delight. Daily, I come before them in prayer facing towards the nearest Mecca of In-N-Out Burger, St. George, Utah, asking them, “O Sovereign fast-food chain, holy and true with saturated fats, how long before you will come and dwell within my midst? How Long will it be before I savor the great taste of your non-frozen fresh patties? How long do I have to ponder on the riches of your cheesy grace?” However, the only reply to my hungry prayers was, “Rest a little longer, until the number of other locations, Oregon, Texas, Arizona, Utah, should be complete, places where my people are as deprived of their pious foodie delight as you are, are satisfied with their hunger for me.” I put my trust in this utmost humble answer due to my statement of faith: where Californians go, their lord, In-N-Out, will surely follow.
And on November 20th, my prayers, along with every Californians’ prayers in this once forsaken state, were answered. In-N-Out Burger opened their first location in downtown Denver, and their devotees went on a pilgrimage to their new Mecca. Fourteen hours was how much it took to savor and taste the golden delight of their burgers and shakes. However, I do not have that type of time due to me being in school, so I kept praying for a closer and personal dwelling of my lord, which led me to the evening of March 7, 2021, when I learned that their third location just opened in Lone Tree, just 35 minutes away.
Having no other place to go for salvation, since their food is the gateway to eternal glutinous bliss, I traveled with my heart and soul. Surprisingly, the wait was about 5 minutes and I swiftly obtained my drugs. At that moment I took a bite of their double-double cheeseburger, I was transported into another world. Another dimension you may say; the whole world melted before my eyes, as I was devouring my meal, with fries and shake, with pure ecstasy. “I thank you, Lord,” I prayed, “for this delicious meal beyond my imagination. It was surely worth the wait to endure such torture from being separated from your pure organic non-trans-fat greasy delights.”
What more should I conclude to you all than saying repent from your dietary vices and indulge and gnaw in the fast-food lord’s farm-fresh cheeseburgers and drink the Lord’s organic milkshakes? Turn away from the types and shadows of other fast-food chains and embrace the true fast-food religion’s 1000 calorie double-double cheeseburger embrace.