Campus Power Rankings: Dorms

What would an edition of the Oredigger be without one article arbitrarily listing things and then, of course, ranking them? This week’s edition: On-Campus Housing!

Elm Hall: Community kitchens, laundry rooms, social lounges, and study areas located on each floor. AC, elevators, and a sky bridge to look down on everyone else– I mean for an aesthetic view. It’s nice. Mines Market is also attached to it. Power Level: Above every other dorm, literally in altitude.

Maple Hall: Maple’s main attribute is housing ALC. Beyond being the base for a cult, it really isn’t that remarkable. It’s similar to Elm in amenities but not as nice or dispersed. But they do have a piano in the lobby. Power Level: Can get to Mines Market faster than Elm residents.

Weaver Towers: A nice perk of Weaver is there will never be any forced triple rooms. The laws of thermodynamics have determined it unrealistic to cram three people into one of its rooms. The towers have suites with couches residents creatively mend and modify each year. Although they may only have one social area, kitchen, study room, and laundry room per tower, their elevator has mood lighting. Power Level: In the shadow of Elm, literally depending on the time of day.

Traditional Halls: The rad trad chads. I suppose that describes the residents of these halls accurately. Suffering builds character. While it is true the trads lack modernity such as consistent water temperature or shower stall doors, they have… each other! (Or something). There also seems to be a rumor the Traditional Halls have no air conditioning. This is an outrageous myth. A resident demonstrated to me the temperature control system they engineered: if it gets cold, close the window. If it gets hot, open the window. Power Level: Room and Board prices are the same regardless of building.

Spruce Hall: Babies are adorable. They’re cute to watch, grow, and develop — you even start growing fond of them. Except when they cry. Spruce is like a baby minus anything good I mentioned earlier. The shrieks of construction are a wonderful sound to wake up to in the morning. If you really tune it out, it’s just an oversized white-noise machine. It also blocks off 18th Street. Power Level: Weaver’s alarm clock.

Jackson: Also under construction. And expensive. That’s about it. Power Level: Stop increasing admitted freshman class sizes.

The parking garage: I mean, it’s definitely not going to be for free. But we’re still paying with our student fees to build it so that’s cool. Power Level: Probably no overnight parking to sleep in.

Aspen Hall: Who even is she? If a dorm houses 22 people is it even a dorm? Can something be so isolated that reality forgets its existence? Do the Aspen residents exist either? I don’t even know if I can make fun of them for not having AC? Help? Power Level: ???

Conclusion: If you want to save money, sleeping on Kafadar for free is always an option.


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