Your weekly horoscope

Aries – It is clear that you are still slightly hungover from E-days. This would not be such a problem given that most everybody was the day after, but come on, its been at least a week now.

Taurus – You will look down at your Poke-walker today to find that you are still an incredible dork who still plays a child’s game. Then again, so are most of your colleagues.

Gemini – This week, the stars predict that Facebook will change again, which will lead to you creating a group protesting the change. Keep on fighting that worthless fight!

Cancer – This Monday is the 50th anniversary of human spaceflight. Celebrate this momentous occasion by building your own spacecraft. It may even get you those extra points you need to pass EPICS.

Leo – This week, Virgos will take over the world. Use your lion-like strength to dethrone them and retake your rightful place as the king of the zodiac. It will make you as cool as Charlie Sheen.

Virgo – I predict that later on this week, a bunch of people that are about a month older than you will try to take away your recently acquired power. Fear not though, their power level is not over 9000!

Libra – Little stands between you and your goals this week, and by little I mean famous voice actor Rich Little. Despite being 72 years old, he will successful hamper your valiant attempts to actually go to class for once.

Scorpio – As prophesied by the Incan Empire, this week will bring about Armageddon. Don’t watch it though, its not the best movie in the world. Instead opt to watch 2012, it is much more accurate.

Sagittarius – Play a prank on your roommate this week by putting the most common misspellings as accurate in their spell-check. Bonus points if your roommate is an editor for the school newspaper.

Capricorn – Late this week, the RIAA will raid your hard drive and discover all of that music you have been torrenting. The judge will let you off easy though, as most of it is Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys. It is 2011, listen to something good.

Aquarius – Shh… that girl from the party last night is actually philosophy major and will lecture you all morning on the joys of that one philosophy you cannot stand. PS: Why are you reading the paper in bed?
Pisces – You are going to have an excellent week, you will ace all of your tests and become the life of the party. On top of this, you will get that internship you want. What? I can be nice sometimes!

Copyright © 2020 The Oredigger Newspaper. All Rights Reserved.