What Grinds my Gears: Canadian Geese

You know what really grinds my gears? Canadian geese. For one, I just do not like the way they look at me. That glare that they give me is like they think I am going to steal their grass or something.

But the second, and possibly most important, reason is the incessant honking that never stops. Seriously, from the first light of the morning until the sun sets, all they do is honk… and honk… and honk. And that does not even mention the fact that they emit a sound so horrendous that they make even Rebecca Black sound angelic.

But do not forget about their deadly path of destruction. Thanks to these birds, trying to enjoy a nice day at the park requires dodging a minefield of excrement. And it does not stop there. They will drop off their gifts in the street, on the sidewalk, or even on the artificial turf. But you are only fooling yourself if you are looking down at your feet to dodge their by-products. That is exactly what they want you to do. When you are least expecting it, they will strike from above.

Unfortunately, the lack of a predator and the abundance of food allow the geese to remain, and their population just balloons. Far too often they will settle into a protected town like Golden, eat way too much, and then get too fat to leave. These animals are indecent, loud, and overweight, a true triple threat to a peaceful society.

Now, to all the nature lovers and geese-huggers out there, do not think that I am unfairly picking on the Canadian birds simply to assert my human dominance. I truly feel for their plight. They originate from the northern part of the continent and are just looking for a warm place to have their vacation. Unfortunately for them, it is less like a vacation and more like the running of a gauntlet. How would you feel if you were on a cross-continental road trip and every single time you stopped to refuel, some dude in camouflage pops out of nowhere and starts blasting you with lead pellets from a 12 gauge? Personally, I would get pretty tired of it, but that is exactly what these creatures have to go through every year during hunting season.

Nonetheless, the problem remains that Canadian geese are evolving from peaceful, migratory birds into widespread pests. Ask Captain Sullenberger of United Flight 1549 and he will tell you about the geese that flew into the engines of his airliner, putting the lives of his passengers at risk. These birds are bringing down planes, polluting our parks, squatting in our towns, and chasing us off our golf courses, and we just let it happen. As winter slowly creeps upon us, expect to see more and more of these dastardly creatures polluting our campus with their filth. Do the geese need to go? Yes. But is there anything we can do about it? No. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what grinds my gears.