Valentine’s Day Rises

As Valentine’s Day draws closer, members of the anti-Valentine’s Day movement begin to make their presence more and more obvious. One of their more prominent members, known only as “Vane,” was recently caught trying to outright sabotage the holiday. When questioned about why he was so adamantly against Valentine’s Day, Vane had this to say:

“Mines, take control! Take control of your campus! I come to you not as a conqueror, but as a liberator to return control of this campus from the companies that profit off Valentine’s Day to the people. Behind me stands a symbol of oppression, Hallmark Headquarters. Here, thousands of men have languished under the name of Saint Valentine, who has been held up to you as the shining example of romance. You have been supplied with a false idol to stop you from tearing down this corrupt holiday. I would tell you the truth about Saint Valentine, but none of us know who he was. For who among you can tell me what this man did to become to become synonymous with romance, or what he did further to become the patron saint of selling worthless trinkets to symbolize affection? Through him, grand gestures of love on this day have been rendered useless, turned into spectacles and tokens of romance given not out of love, but out of societal obligation. You have all been forced, at one point or another, to pay high prices for gifts, dates, and time in order to “prove” that you love someone, merely because a date on a calendar said that it was time to do so.

And did it work? Did such arbitrary spending and sacrifice strengthen your relationships, or did the stress of paying the price put extra strain on the two of you? It is time to forgo the lies that buying overpriced pink cards and chocolate somehow equates to true love, or will miraculously save or start a relationship! We will take this holiday from the corrupt promoters, the rich marketers, the oppressors of generations who kept you down with myths of opportunity and fulfillment in a relationship if you would only spend enough money, and we give it back to you, the people. Valentine’s Day is yours. None shall interfere, do as you please. Step forward, those who would serve, for an army will be raised. Those in stable relationships will be ripped from their romantic dinners of happiness and cast out into the cold world of lonesomeness that we who cannot get a date know and endure. Relationship counselors will survive as they learn to serve true justice. This great campus… it will endure. Mines will survive.”

When asked why he chose Mines for the center of his anti-Valentine’s Day plans at Mines, Vane gave a simple response:
“Mines… where I learned the truth about despair, as will you. There’s a reason why this school is the worst hell on earth… hope. Every man who has ventured here over the years has looked out upon the student body and imagined developing a relationship with one of the few girls on campus. So easy, so simple. And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have gone mad trying. I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as I terrorize Mines, I will feed its people hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe they can find a significant other so that I can watch them clamoring over each other to stay out of the friend zone. As they squabble, I will destroy the traditions of this holiday and then when it is done, if they still wish to spend money they don’t have on Valentine’s Day… when their hearts are in shambles and their wallets in ashes, then they have my permission to buy.”

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