Cooking Corner: Monster Tacos

1 frozen pepperoni pizza
3 pounds ground beef
½ head of lettuce
5 onions
2 cups of sour cream
2 tomatoes
3 cups of cheddar cheese

1. Start by dicing all of the vegetables and set them aside.
2. Follow the directions to heat the frozen pizza. Why a frozen pizza? Why not a handmade pepperoni pizza crafted with love and care from quality ingredients? Let’s face the facts, if you’re making a giant pizza taco, then you’re probably intoxicated and can’t handle that sort of task or you’ve simply given up in all aspects of life with your only solace being this culinary monstrosity.
3. Anyway, brown the beef in a skillet, one pound at a time.
4. Take the pizza out of the oven and lay it on a table. Preferably a clean table, but it’s a good guess that you don’t really care about your personal health so it doesn’t really matter.
5. Place the ground beef in a line down the center of the pizza, followed by vegetables, sour cream, and cheese.

There you go. Look at that. Just look at that and contemplate your existence. Just stare into the oozing pile of grease and cheese and wonder what went wrong. I suppose it’s too late now to ask for that coffee date, isn’t it? You know what will fill the void created by that brief yet ever present whimsical thought of a happiness you have lost forever? You can add bacon to the pizza taco. Get a pound of bacon and fry it up, after adding the pizza taco to the oven at 350 degrees to keep it warm. This shouldn’t take too long, and you can either dice the bacon or add it as is. You can also save the bacon grease, as it can be used to improve the taste of eggs as opposed to butter or conventional oils. Ideally this could probably serve six to eight people, but let’s be realistic and just say one. Just grab it with both hands and go to town on it while mindlessly flipping through whatever is on television to dull the pain of solitude for just another night, or however long you plan to eat this borderline eldritch dish.

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