Not-So-Scientific discoveries this week: 3/31/14

Boulder, CO – Researchers for the Center for Recreational Marijuana Studies in Boulder, Colorado, have released a study definitively proving that “Dark Side of the Moon” does in fact sync up to “The Wizard of Oz” and that it is “really far out and trippy, man”. While work is still being done to confirm the discovery, experts in the field of watching movies while high are already hailing this the greatest discovery in the field since the discovery that “Another Brick in the Wall” syncs up with “Wall-E,” known as Another Brick in the Wall-E.

Stanford University – Researchers at Stanford University’s Department of Psychology have concluded that fedoras, flat caps, trilbys, pork pie hats, and an assortment of other headwear are only worn in an attempt to supplement a complete lack of personality or interesting characteristics. According to the study, the hat-wearing subjects make body language trying to bring the focus of the non-hat subject towards their own hat and not themselves. This happens with a tirade on why hats are no longer in vogue in a last-ditch effort to hold the interest of the person being spoken to. While the effects are more pronounced around the opposite sex, the attempts are equally ineffective to seeming interesting.

International Space Station – An international team of scientists stationed at the International Space Station, located in space, has determined that the sun is hot. After years of study on the center of the solar system, head research Maj. Oliver Bivious claims that “the sun is really really unbelievably hot, like, if you tried to lick it you would die.” The study was ended when a supply shipment from Earth contained a Snapple bottle whose cap made the staggering discovery.

North Pole – Researchers at a research center at the North Pole have discovered the ruins of what appears to be a factory which many say could be the ruins of the fabled “Santa’s Workshop”. The floor is littered in makeshift weapons crafted from factory equipment and toys as well as an odd shimmering red liquid that contains a large amount of iron. Signs found at the scene point to the destruction of this mysterious place being caused by a massive insurrection done by the working underclass, including a literal sign that cryptologists have determined says “The beatings will continue until morale improves”.

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