As some of you are aware, back in September NASA announced an “update” on the dates of the star signs. Most people just know their sign for fun, but a large number of people out there do take their horoscopes seriously (for long-time readers, I surely hope a few of you Libras out there have some strong cabbage investments). So when news came from the biggest astronomy nerds in America, there was a bit of chaos in our little horoscoping community about whether or not our signs changed. Well fear not, for I, Bob the Astrologer, your trusty Hermes of the Stars, is here to help you!
NASA recently “did the math,” as they say on their Tumblr page, to correct at which times the Sun actually moves through each sign relative to the Earth. This included adding a new sign to the list, Ophiuchus, as well as changing the date ranges of the current 12. However, as they assure us, “Astronomy is not Astrology.”
Here are the new dates:
Aquarius: February 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10
Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16
Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30
Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23
Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29
Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17
Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20
Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16
Originally, each sign (barring Ophiuchus) had about 30 days.
Now each sign ranges from 7-45 days. Because science! Ophiuchus has always been around, but it’s much more convenient to have 12 signs for 12 months. I’m not calling anyone lazy, but come on. No one wants to screw over the Scorpios. Except maybe Leos.
You might be asking me, “Hey Bob? Which distribution are you going to follow? I mean, you mainly report to a STEM school, so wouldn’t you want to follow NASA? Also, why is your hair so perfect?”
Well thank you. I use a special shampoo that contains açai berry juice and Tom Hiddleston’s tears. As for what I’ll do going forward, I’ll reiterate NASA’s statement: “Astronomy is not Astrology.” I’ll keep their information in mind when thinking about the physics of celestial bodies, but you all will still receive horoscopes relative to your original sign.
And with that, I’ll have your newest set ready for next issue when Scorpios take the field. Until then, I’ll leave you with a bit of my own advice: Keep an unsharpened pencil on your TV stand. Unless you have a “Cousin Darryl.” Or you own a pig.