Mines to Expand Once Again

Featured image: “Rumor has it that this will be the last parking spot left on campus.” Image courtesy of Shane Cranor.

BREAKING NEWS: PCJ recently announced that the school is shooting for a student population of 22,000 by 2022. Lots Q, A, AA, F, FF, I, J, and D to be replaced with residence halls. Immediate concerns arose regarding the elimination of all parking spaces at Mines.

In a brilliant systems engineering design by the Board of Trustees, a new policy that mandates all students, faculty, and staff are required to live in on-campus housing without exception (even if housing infrastructure is still being built). Commuting, and parking by extension, is no longer necessary when everyone lives on campus and is forbidden to leave.

Furthermore, all residents are required to purchase a meal plan. Rates for room and board are expected to annually increase at a rate of 150% in an attempt to mitigate the massive amount of debt accumulated. Meal plans and housing are required for fall, spring, and summer semesters.

To mitigate costs of new infrastructure, all degree programs will be eliminated and converted to Civil Engineering. Students will now have a curriculum only with interactive and applied concepts in labs, recitations, and year-long field sessions of manual construction labor. “We have heard many complaints regarding the difficulty of our exams and have taken the feedback to heart. We have eliminated exams and assignments entirely and give students the hands-on experience ever so needed to prepare them for their careers,” a spokesperson from CASA explained.

Many have expressed concern that Mines will lose its universal appeal as a smaller school. PCJ had this response: “We have heard these concerns and turned to Golden itself as a solution. Golden is the epitome of a nice, small college town. With our increased student population we will certainly need more space, so our upcoming initiative is to annex the entire city of Golden and possibly Jefferson County. Our nuclear science and engineering program has yielded excellent results that may come into play when we encounter obstacles to our goals.”

With these developments, the ambitions of Mines@150 will be realized as Mines will hold the prestige as the first imperial nuclear power college in history. Plans for the geopolitical power of Mines are currently kept secret, but PCJ left a hint just for us.

“In light of recent events in Boulder with the massive street party riot… it may be prudent to offer the discipline we have at Mines and how we are the embodiment of engineering. Be on the lookout for a campaign launching soon to colonize other engineering programs.” •