New Star Signs? What Does the NASA Report Mean for Astrology?

As some of you are aware, back in September NASA announced an “update” on the dates of the star signs. Most people just know their sign for fun, but a large number of people out there do take their horoscopes seriously (for long-time readers, I surely hope a few of you Libras out there have some strong cabbage investments). So when news came from the biggest astronomy nerds in America, there was a bit of chaos in our little horoscoping community about whether or not our signs changed. Well fear not, for I, Bob the Astrologer, your trusty Hermes of the Stars, is here to help you!

NASA recently “did the math,” as they say on their Tumblr page, to correct at which times the Sun actually moves through each sign relative to the Earth. This included adding a new sign to the list, Ophiuchus, as well as changing the date ranges of the current 12. However, as they assure us, “Astronomy is not Astrology.”

Here are the new dates:

Aquarius: February 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10

Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16

Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30

Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23

Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29

Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17

Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20

Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16

Originally, each sign (barring Ophiuchus) had about 30 days.

Now each sign ranges from 7-45 days. Because science! Ophiuchus has always been around, but it’s much more convenient to have 12 signs for 12 months. I’m not calling anyone lazy, but come on. No one wants to screw over the Scorpios. Except maybe Leos.

You might be asking me, “Hey Bob? Which distribution are you going to follow? I mean, you mainly report to a STEM school, so wouldn’t you want to follow NASA? Also, why is your hair so perfect?”

Well thank you. I use a special shampoo that contains açai berry juice and Tom Hiddleston’s tears. As for what I’ll do going forward, I’ll reiterate NASA’s statement: “Astronomy is not Astrology.” I’ll keep their information in mind when thinking about the physics of celestial bodies, but you all will still receive horoscopes relative to your original sign.

And with that, I’ll have your newest set ready for next issue when Scorpios take the field. Until then, I’ll leave you with a bit of my own advice: Keep an unsharpened pencil on your TV stand. Unless you have a “Cousin Darryl.” Or you own a pig.



begtvedt
About

Hey, all! If you're reading about me, you are probably thinking, "who the heck is this guy and why is he writing in my newspaper?" Though probably not in those exact words. Well, as you probably know, my name is Braden Egtvedt. As you probably don't know, I am a Junior here at Mines studying Physics with plans on getting my M.S. in EE afterward. I am also a Staff Writer for the Opinion section. You will mostly be seeing my name on satirical articles, though I'm not restricted to that genre.


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