Top Ten: Places to park on campus
Sixth Avenue Slender passageway in the I.M. lot Geology Museum The track in Volk Gymnasium Safeway Kafadar Commons 17th Street Sidewalk next to CTLM Board of Trustees parking spots Your house
Satire
TP “Bomber” charms campus
Rumors have been spreading recently about a campus hero that the students have dubbed the “Charmin Bomber,” who “bombs” a different campus restroom every Monday. According to reports from those on the receiving end his or her work, the Charmin Bomber removes all the toilet paper from the target bathroom and restocks the bathroom with a softer, thicker brand. There is no apparent gender bias in the target bathrooms, so many speculate that the bombing is a team effort. Occasionally, a dorm bathroom will be TP-bombed, so at least one of the students in on the effort has BlasterCard access.
As semester begins, so does parent counseling
A new fall semester means two things at Mines: a large group of anxious freshmen and a group of even more anxious parents trailing in their wake. For several years now, the Colorado School of Mines (in partnership with the National Renewable Energy Laboratory) has offered optional group counseling sessions for the new empty-nesters. Said program founder Vera Sault, “Our program is unique because it doesn’t talk down to the parents. We understand the emotions that they’re processing now that their baby is in college, and much of the program is about just letting them vent. It’s amazing how helpful that can be.”
Rumor Mill: Campus rumors debunked
Rumor: Mines will build a parking lot in place of the demolished Jefferson County Jail building, which previously housed the Mines alumni office and an assortment of expensive vacuum tubes.
Status: Confirmed. The new “BP lot” will be financed by in-kind donations from its namesake oil company. Marquez Hall has been put on hold until Petroleum Engineers get chased out of Alderson by the Chemical Engineering department. Facilities Management says that, due to the central location of the new lot, parking passes for the lot will be $200 per semester. Parking in the Hall of Justice lot will carry an increased price as well to pay off the cost of the parking kiosks (both of them) in the areas.
CCIT celebrates “9×2” kickoff
Following last Saturday’s extended Blackboard outage, CCIT proudly proclaimed that they had reached a pivotal point in their existence: a running track record of less than 99 percent uptime, when all systems were taken into account, for servers directly under their control. This momentous event, said CCIT co-director Fred Robinson, “Hasn’t happened since we switched to outsourced e-mail a year ago. We feel that the resurrection of our 9×2 initiative is a good step toward keeping CCIT relevant in the days to come.”
My last article; A satirist’s goodbye
I have been contemplating what to write for my last Fool’s Gold article for YEARS. Should it be a quirky piece on the school and its students? Should it be a testimonial to how a certain staff member should have been fired years ago for a chronic history of brainlessness, harassment, too much cologne, and just being a horrible, horrible person to the core? Should it be a final, uplifting memoir to how great the school is and what it has taught me? Should it ask several questions about what the article should be about? Or should it simply be a heartfelt thanks to the school? I took the high road and went with the latter.
Mines campus happy
Reports of on-campus happiness have been flooding The Oredigger office. According to the latest sources, the anomaly occurred sometime last Thursday, though aftershocks of the event are still being felt. “I don’t know what came over me,” one student stammered, shortly after the happiness burst, “I mean, I really don’t know. I just sat down to do my homework and the sun was streaming into the window and the trees were covered in flowers and I closed my eyes, and suddenly everything was beautiful.”