Satire

Send a letter to Santa: Santa clubs ring in the season

The numerous Father Christmas clubs on campus have banded together to designate this Friday a “Day of Letters,” during which all students who still believe in Santa Claus are encouraged to write him a letter. “Belief in Father Christmas is declining all across the country,” said Father Christmas Association president Clement Moore, “and we decided it’s time to take some drastic action. Writing letters to Santa has traditionally been kind of a personal thing, sort of a private conversation with the jolly old man, and traditionally [it] happens closer to December 25. But due to the rapidly shrinking list of ‘good children’ that we see going on today, we felt that we needed to get an early start.”

SHC Seminar Series: Fixing your introverted friends

“Introversion and extroversion are like ‘personality orientations,’” said student health center representative Winston Smith, “and as with all orientations, introverts can be changed into extroverts given enough therapy.” Smith went on to explain that many resources exist for students concerned about their unsociable friends. “I’m betting that a lot of you in the room right now are ex-introverts, recovering introverts,” Smith said, “rescued from a life of unnatural introversion by, perhaps, another ex-introvert. You guys have an amazing drive for converting others, but I’m also betting that you know how hard it can be to get some introverts to acknowledge they have a problem.”

Grass is the new steel

Late at night, a sound sprays out across campus as nozzles rise up like primordial beasts from the ground and spread water across much of the campus. This serves in large part to water the already deep green blanket that is the grass on campus, but what most people do not know is that this is a secret experiment by the Environmental Engineering department on new building materials.

Mines to become android friendly

This month, Mines announced that it would begin implementing measures to make the campus android friendly by 2015. “People may be laughing at us now,” said Panel for the Integration of Non-Organic Students member Ada Galatea, “but AI is advancing faster than everyone thinks. Machines with the ability for simple insight and critical thought already exist. Given that some Mines students can’t pass tests without review sheets containing specific algorithmic problem-solving techniques, simple insight and critical thought would be enough to put them at the top of their class.”

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Mines Trivia Crossword

Across Clues Down Clues 1        Freshman’s orientation trek4       Historic Golden restaurant (2 wrds)5       Location of the Mines mine (2 wrds)7       School Color9       Geologic concert venue (2 wrds)10       Guggenheim has one of the largest in Colorado     (2 wrds)11       Miner’s headgear13   …

Course websites reach critical mass

The Mines campus is on high alert after Friday’s report that the number of course websites used at CSM reached critical mass. Officials are unsure how this situation will unfold, but they say that the results could be dire and far-reaching. “It’s exactly as bad as it sounds,” said CCIT representative Lisa Meitner, “the number of course websites has reached the point where new websites begin forming spontaneously.”

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Residence hive progressing well

Mines officially announced the completion of Phase I of the new “residence hive” last Friday. The futuristic living structure will be conveniently located between Green Center and the CTLM and is expected to drastically increase the number of students that can live on-campus. In addition, since it will be encased in thick concrete and housed underground, the earth will provide natural insulation to the living units inside, reducing the need for heating and cooling systems. Project leaders hope the structure will serve as a symbol of the Colorado School of Mines’s commitment to innovation and conservation.

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