Based on a statistical analysis of multiple studies, scientists in Denver announced yesterday that they have discovered the source of Ultimate Evil. “We are excited,” said lead researcher Peter Anspach, “in a somewhat subdued way. While we have finally isolated the cause of Ultimate Evil, we have yet to discover a mode for dispatching it.” What was this fiendish evil that the studies pointed to?
Dear AFCP,
I need money. I’m a college student, what do you expect? I’ve donated blood a couple times before, but I recently heard that you can actually sell blood plasma and even whole blood. So of course, that sounds really great to me. I’m healthy and there are people who need that stuff more than me. But I talked about it with my mom and she flipped out!
Researchers in Boulder made a startling discovery last week. “Shadows,” the oddly shaped patches of darkness commonly seen near people and buildings, possess a rudimentary form of vision and tend to follow people around. “This is absolutely groundbreaking,” said lead scientist Raphael Mechoulam, “We finally have proof of something that people have suspected for millennia.”
Students in a literature class called “Satire in History” continued Mines’ long tradition of hating liberal arts by expressing outrage at how dark the stories were. “How could Swift joke about cooking and eating babies?” one student remarked, “it’s such appallingly bad taste, it’s not even funny.”
Given Mines’ ongoing deliberations about whether to allow concealed carry guns, last week’s news of a school shooting prevented by gun-toting good guys has the campus abuzz. “We finally have proof,” said pro-gun sophomore Ryan Schmeits, “that allowing responsible students to carry guns on campus may provide more than just an illusion of safety.”
The Student Health Center is considering unsubscribing from the ezine it began offering two weeks ago. “When we subscribed,” explained SHC’s administrative official Heather Turett, “we expected some level of professionalism and maturity. What we got was thinly-veiled shame alchemy disguised as medicine.” The “shame alchemy” that concerned Turett was an article called “Choosing Parenteral Nutrition”, which interviewed college students practicing a food-free lifestyle (FFL).
Amongst all of the fervor for science on the Colorado School of Mines Campus, students only enjoy one thing more than their academics, and that is a day off from school. Whether it is an infrequent snow day or President’s Day, Mines robots need that break from work so they can recharge their batteries. The question is why the student body does not get Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Day off? After much digging and a little investigative journalism, the Oredigger staff has found the solution.
